Some real stuff...

So I am not very good at being transparent all the time. I still deal with a lot of image control issues. I am working on getting away from looking like "the ideal mom that has it all together.." Because I am far from that. I manage and get by. Sometimes,  I get lucky and do a few really good things back to back...then sometimes I mess up!

Lets start from last week.

I looked at the calendar and realized the date. The first thing that came to my mind is...am I late? As you know, Todd and I desire more children. We have been praying about adoption but the chance of having another biological baby is always there. At first, I found myself angry about the possibility of being pregnant. Yes, angry. It wasn't the thought of the baby, it was the thought of not being able to ride Expedition Everest at Disney (small I know), the thought that again, my plan was going wrong. *Finish house, buy house, finish school, have a baby (unless adoption happens then it will go before all of these)*
Then I stopped and picked up a book at the library (remember the one that I am going to tell you about later this week)

As I began to read. I realized that here I am, trying to live a Godly life and saying that I will except any child that God gives me...and I am, angry??? Talk about a slap in the face. From that point on, I decided okay. I am sorry. If this is what is going to happen, I am going to rejoice and be glad it is. I mean how good of a witness am I if I say I am going to do one thing (let God be in control of my children) then get angry when the possibility of having one comes up. You have to walk the walk. and not just talk the talk. But then on Mother's Day...Aunt Flo came to visit and ruined that whole idea.

But I am glad it happened.

It reminded me that I am not in control all the time. That God has a huge plan for me and regardless of what my timeline is, it is going to happen.

I have trusted in him, a lot over the past year, and he has yet to let me down. When I entered into the spiritual battle with Satan, I was without armor, without a clue how to fight back. All I knew was that EVERYTHING was falling down around me. I would go to our weekly calendar meetings at church and request that everyone pray for me. One of my spiritual role models kept telling me, stay strong, keep focused on God and you will pull through. She was right. I started reading my bible, joined a small group, began teaching, and doing my best to live the Word. I changed my lifestyle, my vocabulary, everything. God stepped in and wrapped his arms around me and lead me through the battle. I came out okay, and yet I was angry when I thought that I could be having another child?

So over the past few days I have been stepping back and reevaluating things. Instead of a plan, I have made a list of goals. Not in any order, just a list. As they happen, I am going to cross them off. I have trashed the five year plan. I am, again, going to try to surrender and remember that I am not in control of the big picture. And remember who is!



Another thing I am struggling with right now, which is wayyy out of the norm for me, is organization.

I am having a very hard time focusing on cleaning and organizing. I switched the girls rooms around and moved stuff and just left it. I have washed all my laundry  but it is just sitting in baskets. I just don't want to do it. Last night I swept and vacuumed for the first time in 2 weeks. DISGUSTING!!! I had a drive that I loved after January and come end of March it was gone. I am having a very hard time finding it. and it NEEDS to be found.

So I am planning on spending this weekend being productive. Friday/Saturday/Sunday. I am helping with an event at the Zoo Friday, but once everything gets rolling, I am leaving. Ive gotta start prioritizing. Again!!
Getting focused and back on track!

 HOLD ME TO IT!