just need to write.

I have alot I need to write about here. Our caterpillar turned to a butterfly, my dad had surgery, Todd's mom is having surgery again, Todd's first days at his new job, Madyson and her new attitude...

But I have the need to just write about nothing.

When change takes place, my life gets so chaotic. My dayplanner can't keep up, my laundry piles up, and for no other reason than I am still learning how to deal with change. I don't write alot about life after being an alcoholic because to me labels make life harder. But in all fairness. I was a complete alcoholic and I did that, to myself.

I use to deal with change and new things the same way I dealt with day to day life. A pint of vodka in the morning, some tequila through the day, finishing a pint (or two) of rum at night. And I functioned, and life was marry.

Now, when changed takes place I just get all discombobulated. I literally fall apart. I have a grip on life 97% of the time but still have a hard time dealing with change. Which is why my husband stayed at a job he was unhappy with for so long, because of me and my desire for routine.

How am I doing? Well, glad you asked. Since March 10th here is all the change we have gone through. Todd's mom had a MASSIVE stroke. MASSIVE. we have lost our favorite babysitter, my shopping buddy, and our weekly dinners with his family. THATS ALOT. She is recovering and making progress but its not the same. Monday she underwent phase 1 of 3 to remove a tumor in her brain they found because of the stroke. She has another surgery Wednesday, then the final surgery Friday.

I have a new job that is anything other than routine and I have to remind myself everyday that God has a purpose for me and its okay for it not to be the same thing everyday. Not getting up and "going to the office" everyday. I am sort of pretending that I do. I get up and I get dressed to go to the office in our house. but still, I am here and then I go out and I drive alot. I don't drive...ever. I have driven more in 2 weeks than I have in years.

Todd has a new job. Less hours at work, means more hours at home. We are thrilled, but that gets some taking use to.

spring time means more yard work, more allergy medicine, more bug bites. all change...

and me, well....I'm lucky to have friends who I text throughout the day. Who tell me when I need to be somewhere and what I need to bring. I am thankful for these friends.

I guess the best way to describe this feeling is I am walking down a busy street with everyone else walking the opposite way. I can hear them, and know I need to turn around to walk "with traffic" but all i can focus on is getting out of the way.

But you know what? I am walking. I am not stumbling.

I think if I am to be completely honest on this blog this past month and half has been extremely hard. There have been and still are alot of tears. Did we do the right thing? Is this the life God has planned for us? Why can't the answers be clear instead of fuzzy??

The answer is simple, sometimes we have to go through turmoil, pain, and change to allow God's plan to play out. Life isn't full of rainbows and sunshine. Some days are dark and sometime change is hard.

My prayer for our family is to embrace this change, to seek Him, to keep Him first, and to remember its not about us, its not about money, its about serving Him, loving Him, and making sure we never loose sight of that.

Thanks for just letting me write. I promise to be back soon to catch you up on all the good stuff.