My struggle.

I have been very open on this blog about a lot of things-marriage-miscarriage-parenting...I've even told you about the years I loved to drink-a lot.

I have another "share because you care" topic that I have been dealing with. It is a struggle of mine that I am working on. 

I have anxiety.

I'm not talking about a small issue-it's large. And without support could be very dangerous.

This week has been a week that reminded me-how bad this problem is when I don't care for myself.

Let me rewind-

Last Thursday we were getting ready to go to Mississippi-our house closing was on Friday-finally.

We received the news-we weren't going to close. Issues.

So we had to make a decision-and then move forward.

We made our decision (and since other parties are involved-I will leave that out) 

We were optimistic our backup plan would work out. So Saturday we set out for a fun day-in our new town.

Well 2 hours in-things went array and it just turned out to be crappy. When we got home-I tried to settle in because I was feeling "out of control" but I couldn't. I began itching like crazy and knew the next few hours/days were going to be crazy. I tend to break out in hives when my stress level rises.

Sunday-we visited a new church and went to a Super Bowl party-still feeling optimistic I was trying to enjoy myself.

By the time we got home-the kids were irretible-Todd was moody and I was itching and dizzy. The broadus' were done.

Monday and Tuesday brought bad news on the house front and as the dollar signs were racking up in my brain-I could feel my heart rate rapidly changing-my eyes tunneling-and the amount of pressure making me feel like a balloon ready to pop.

As an alcoholic I could deal with these feelings easily. I would numb myself and life was good. 

As a believer-I am taught to trust in God and His timing. To give all my issues to The Lord because He will handle it.

This is the hardest part of Christian life to me. I am a fixer-I can see the issue and usually find a solution-stepping back and allowing God to be in control-is really-really hard.

I am ashamed of how I react to rejection and stress. It isn't Godly and it sets a bad example to my girls. I've had to explain to madyson today why I have needed to "rest" today. She knows about my years of drinking and she is thankful I "don't do that anymore" but it's hard to tell your kids-that you are weak and you have trouble understanding Gods plan.

Being in a new place without my support system around me has made this episode extremely difficult. Thankful for friends that text and FaceTime and pray and listen...even if they are states away.

Todd took the girls away for a few hours tonight so I could sleep and be still. It helped a lot but when i woke up I had this overwhelming feeling of guilt. I am thankful for a husband who nurtures during these times instead of making me feel like a burden.

Tomorrow we head to Mississippi-we have some decisions to make and a plan to form. I am praying it goes well and Gods plan is made clearer. Plus I am really thankful to get to see my mom. She  hasn't been feeling well and I think we both need a sonic drink and a hug.