#onebigtruth

When life falls apart and is spinning out of control-sometimes it is really hard to stop-and get the reins tight enough to gain that control back. That is where I am right now-pulling really hard on the reins trying to get control again.

Let's recap-since November of 2011: I have had a miscarriage-had 3 failed adoptions-gotten pregnant-had a rough pregnancy-my mother in law died-my husband fell apart-I got put on bed rest-my husband lost his job-we had a premature baby-we almost lost our marriage....yea. Pretty rough time. 

I am a very "control" person. It has taken a lot for me to step back during all this and "ride it out". I couldn't have done anything to change any of it. God orchestrated it. He has allowed us to suffer to teach us to trust in Him. 

I have been spending a lot of time in prayer. I am working on finding a balance between being in control and allowing God to be in control.

Each day-I have to wake up and make decisions. What are the girls going to wear to school-what am I going to do today-what are my goals for the day. Those decisions I am in control of. The bigger picture is all Gods. 

I have been thinking a lot lately about what I want. Is it what God wants? Will I be okay if my plans don't line up with his? 

Todd and I have never really had a "plan" in life. We have always gone about this marriage/parenting thing on a whim. Sometimes it has benefitted us. Most times it has hindered us. So part of our rebuilding our marriage is to talk and write out our plans. We did an excersise the other night "what I want" we took 3 minutes to write down what we wanted material, spiritual, professional....it didn't matter. You know what was hard....I had a time thinking about what I want. 

As a mom-you become easily focused on putting others first. I read a book by Terri hatcher a few years ago called Burnt Toast. the basis was it's okay to sometimes toss the burnt toast and make yourself a non burnt piece. 

After the excersise we shared with each other what we had written down-Todd's was very direct. I think guys have a lot of time to contemplate what they want. Mine was more here and there. I want to adopt or foster....I want to sell our house and downsize...I want to go shopping-for me. selfish? Yea..but you know.. Inever go shopping for me. I can not tell you the last time I went to the mall-without kids and stayed only in the women's department and bought clothes for myself. I have 1 pair of jeans that fit-got them 2nd hand off of eBay. I have 15 shirts that fit-12 came from my sisterinlaws closet clean out. The 5 dresses I have-4 were gifts from my mom . I am blessed to have these things but really-it's something minor that I want for myself. And I don't mean a huge shopping spree that cost hundreds of dollars-just a trip to buy maybe another pair of jeans, a few shirts,and a new pair of black pumps. Anyway...

After we shared our wants-we prayed-we asked God to help us figure out what was next for our life-we want --need--a plan.

Then last night-after the kids were in bed, We each wrote out our 5 year goals. He wrote his-i wrote mine. Then we compared. We took our lists and we developed our family goals. Stuff we really want to accomplish-like moving to the country-fostering at risk kids-helping fund a ministry-Todd wants to get a degree in social science...all things that are doable with Gods help and His guidance. So that's where we are. Taking our reins-slowing down-looking ahead-and praying for God to help us orchestrate the next steps...

Life after baby weight.

I am busy editing Madyson's baptism video so it will be up tomorrow!!

Today-I am sharing (by request) my journey of clean eating.

Over the past few years my weight has been a battle. Before the miscarriage I was 120-after the miscarriage I was 145-then I dropped down to 115 -then I got pregnant, and Todd's mom died, and I get sick, and Todd lost his job, and life fell  apart and I found myself weighing in at 165 lbs. I have never been overweight-and for some people 165lbs is a great weight. But I am 5'2 tall. I am small framed. My little heart doesn't work well and when it has to work extra hard-i have to take medicine for it. So when Amelia was born I made a commitment to myself. I would do a strict clean eating diet until I was at 120lbs. Then I would maintain my eating but live by the 80/20 rule.

So let's get started-here I am right before Amelia was born. 

I look "pregnant" to the untrained eye-but   I was all over big. My arms had doubled-my legs had doubled-my face was fuller. My blood work was off-my energy level was shot.

I pintersted "clean eating" and here is where I began.

This was my first shopping list-minus tuna,salmon, and cottage cheese ((I can't do those my tummy doesn't handle it well))

I stocked my grocery cart (buggy) with kale, spinach, dark leaf lettuce, tons of avacados, celery, carrots....picture walking through the produce department and loading up on almost everything.

Produce goes way beyond salads-that was my first lesson I had to learn the hard way. After spending a week eating salads for breakfast, lunch, and dinner I took it back to Pinterest to figure out what to do with all this clean food i just purchased-I liked a bunch of pins (and I have now put them on a board for you and learned how to cook with all this.) 

{{I know what you are thinking-my kids would not eat that}}

Well-mine do-at times and at times they look at me like I am crazy. So if you come to my pantry you will find easy Mac, jambalaya mix, princess soup, and a few other "kid staples" that they are allowed. 

 The first month it was hard. I adore Oreos and cheesecake and ice cream and kit Kats and all that. But I knew that I also adore my 3 girls and my husband and if I want to be healthy for them-I had to do this for myself. 

After 2 Weeks I had a waist line again. But the rest of me still needed to deflat.

I kept it up-and once I got to 130 lbs -I began to allow myself to indulge 20% of the time-while staying focused 80%.

At 6 months post delivery-I was at my goal weight of 120lbs. 

I went from wearing large/xL clothes to a size 2. The only exercising I have done in 6 months is strolling with my girls around the neighborhood-and nursing. Now we all know how many calories nursing burns-so by clean eating I had to make sure I was taking in my daily amount PLUS enough to maintain a milk supply for miss Amelia. I am proud to announce that she is in the 99% for weight-so this did not effect her in anyway. 

What do I eat? 

Check out my Pinterest board for some ideas but a normal day would include:

Breakfast: oatmeal with fruit and honey

Avacado (sliced) with a boiled egg (sliced)

Snack: peanut butter and banana wrapped in a wheat flat out wrap.

Lunch:2 quesadillas (8 triangles) with black beans, shredded chicken, low fat cheese, 1/2 avacado and spinach.

Snack: fruit bowl or carrot/pepper/celery and Greek yogurt ranch dip

Dinner: grilled/baked chicken or turkey breast-sweet potato, broccoli, wild rice

Dessert: dark chocolate 

Snack: smoothie or low fat cheese & crackers or some sort of fruit.

On my indulging days I would eat a cheeseburger-French fries-Oreos-cheesecake....

Now that I am allowing myself treats I will have one of the mentioned above each day-i just make sure I get my veggies in!! 

 

*****i am by no means a doctor and before beginning any diet or life style change always consult your doctor.*****

Rainbows.

I'm a bit of an emotional wreck right now. I believe a new school year-Aubrie Kate starting school-Mia Margaret entering her  5 month-all has my mommy emotions swirling.

But atlas-it rained today. I love a good summer rain. In Mississippi-that is key for dirty hair & pony tail day-because any southern belle will tell you that if you wash your hair on a hot day-then a summer rain comes-your hair will double in size-frizz up-and then you will get a lot of bless your heart looks. After a summer rain-or spring tornado-or fall shower...you  can usually find a rainbow. Yesterday and today were rainbow days.

I love rainbows. There is something so amazing about an arch of colors cascading through the sky. Recently (thanks to social media) I have discovered my "friends" have a love for rainbows as well. 

I love scrolling through my news feeds and seeing how friends-all over-have stopped and captured the majestic rainbow in all it's ROY G. BIV goodness.

The story of the Rainbow in the Bible is quite simple and you can look up the scriptures in (Gen. 6:1 through 9:17). During the time of a righteous man named Noah, the world was just like our own time; taken over by a great deal of sin, but Noah was an honorable man. He listened to God and cherished a close relationship with Him, so God called  Noah to build an ark, so that he, his family, and a pair of each creature would be saved from the destructive flood that he was going to pour over the entire earth in order to rid it of its wickedness. After 40 days and 40 nights of falling rain, God told Noah to come out of the Ark, and that is when Noah saw the colors that God had placed in the sky, saying that it was His Eternal Symbol of Promise that He would never send another catastrophic flood to the earth to kill all off mankind. This was and is His covenant with all of us. The promise; this rainbow; and this "true" meaning of it, supplies us with promise and hope. 

I have had a lot of storms in my life. For the past four years I have shared them with you. Job losses, sick kids, bad mistakes, hate, anger, pain from the loss of my mother-in-law and the loss of our precious babe. I have endured pain that-without faith-would have seemed unbearable. But at the end of each storm-there has always been a rainbow. Some of them not as vivid as others-but always a rainbow. 

I was scrolling through Instagram the other day and learned the term "rainbow baby". By definition it means a child born after a miscarriage or loss. A rainbow baby. I have one of those. Mia Margaret came after a hellacious storm. The loss and pain of a miscarriage-the hurt of being told "the birth mother has decided to keep the child-the birth mother decided to go with another family..."-the agonizing- excruciating pain of watching my mother-in-law suffer and die. And my children and husband grieve. My God that storm was insane. But at the end-when the winds quit and the waves settled-there was our rainbow.

Friend-whatever storm you face today-marriage, family, addiction, pain, unanswered prayers-know that your storm will end-focus on your rainbow-as soon as the clouds part it will be there.

Death.

In my short 28 years of life I have experienced death in many levels. The death of my grandfather as a preschooler, the death of my dog as a child, the death of a friend by cancer as a preteen, the death of a friend by tragedy as a teen, the death of friends in college, the death of a mother-in-law...

All have taught me that life is short. That no matter what you have planned for the next year-God has bigger and more powerful plans.

In the last 4 months, Todd and I have been reminded of just how short life is-as we have watched new friends of ours suffer the most painful lost-the lost of a spouse. In their early 20's newlyweds and new to our bible study-they have endured "in sickness and in health-til death do us part" sooner than they had planned.

With the death of Todd's mom 3 months ago-we have been working on coping. It really changes your marriage when your spouse looses a parent. God was gracious to us-he gave us months to "prepare" for Kathy's death. However, when you have to adjust to not picking up the phone and talking to your mother everyday like you had the past 28 years...it is an adjustment.

We have been learning how to handle a child that is mourning the lost of her best friend. Daily-Madyson talks about "grandmomma" and how much she misses her, and how she can still hear her...and how she can't sleep some nights because she is so sad.

Aubrie Kate ask at least 4x a week, when Grandmomma is coming back...

Death is a very painful experience and so confusing.

As Christians we are taught to trust in Him and His plans and some days-that's just hard. I usually don't speak about the very personal parts of our life but I have had the feeling laid on my heart that this is something that needs to be shared.

The other night we were having a normal family night. I had made Chicken Spaghetti for dinner and everyone had eaten. Todd and the girls were watching The Disney Channel-and with our dining room table being in our den now-I decided to escape to the bedroom to eat in our sitting area and watch DVR'd Nate Berkus shows...because I can only handle so much teenybopping Disney.

All of the sudden-Todd burst into the room and had tears filling his eyes. He started... "I...just...can't....." and then the tears flooded out. I didn't have to ask-I knew what he was feeling. I sat and held him and cried with him. After a few minutes of sobs-he tried to shake it off and say "he needed to be strong...for the girls" The switch flipped to breakdown when Aubrie Kate looked at him during the show and said, "I miss grandmomma-she was the best grandmomma ever"

It took a few hours of crying, rocking, holding, rubbing, talking to help Todd and the girls through their breakdown. We talked about our favorite grandmomma times, and things we miss, and things we can do to remember her. We even pulled out her blanket-that Todd keeps put up-to "feel" her.

Everyone felt better after our little cry fest and again-I had to remind the girls that its okay to be sad at times-we are human and that's a feeling we have.

The girls and Todd attend therapy sessions at a center twice a month. this is only our 2nd month to be enrolled and learning to cope is part of our normal daily routine now.

Weather you are learning to cope with the loss of a parent, child, spouse, pet, friend...Please know that the pain that you are feeling is normal but you  have a purpose here on Earth and yes, their are others out there who feel the same way you do.

The Last Days.

The last days have been a blur. A worldwind of emotions. A time I will treasure but never want to repeat.

Monday afternoon Todd called me and said, "The nurse doesn't expect her to be here much longer". Her-meaning his mom. His mother who has fought breast cancer for almost the last decade.

He went to be by her side. Asking me to stay with the girls. Monday night was awful-he was there. I was here. I didn't want to call and text him a lot. But I wanted to call and text him a lot. Finally-after a night of not sleeping I had the girls ready for my mom to take to school and let to be by his side at 5am Tuesday morning. We sat by his mom's side for the next 28 hours. Taking turns through the night praying over her. Letting her know we love her and its okay for her to leave.

It was a long night.

Wednesday morning, I left her house to go back to work. I needed to be around happy children. and I  needed to see my girls. Todd called around 1 and let me know he was coming home and we were going to take the girls trick-or-treating. Something that is almost foreign to them since we have done the church festival most of their little lives. We got all dressed up and loaded up in the truck and drove around the neighborhood and let them trick-or-treat. They had a blast.

Around 7:15 we got a call from Todd's grandmother. The time was close. At 7:28 a message saying "she's gone baby".

She was surrounded by her mother, sisters, husband, and best friends. I am a 100% sure she waited until Todd was not there because she never wanted him to see her vulnerable.

We dropped the girls off with my parents-telling them we had an errand to run and they could go in and eat candy. We headed to her house. Her body was still there-peaceful and calm. Todd went back and spent a few last minutes before the funeral home came. The hospice nurse joined us to handle all the final details and the house filled with love from family and friends.

Kathy was an amazing Mother-in-law. From our first lunch date to O'Charley's, where she made it clear that Todd was a handful and was I prepared for him...and did I know she was sick...and all that " I am the main woman in his life" front. To our final night last night-where I stood over her and talked to her almost lifeless self about how Todd and I will take care of each other. The past 7 years my life has been so filled with extra love and joy because of the amazing mother-in-law I was blessed with. I have so many memories that I thank God for.

Tonight-we celebrate because Kathy is now cancer free. She fought her fight and she can now be at peace. Tomorrow-we tell the girls. The hardest part, I believe, in this journey.

Kathy's verse she claimed during her battle was Philippians 4:13. "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength." She did all things-and he gave her strength.  May her strength live on through all those she touched.

The race.

2 Timothy 4:7: I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, and I have kept the faith.

Weeks ago, Madyson and I were laying in the bed discussing death and the fight grandmomma has fought against Cancer. As my 6 year old laid beside me...with tears rolling down her face asking me, "what can I do to save Grandmomma?" I set speechless.

I have learned, as a parent, when you dont have the answer...God will step in. The verse found in 2 Timothy 4 came to mind, then the thought of breast cancer awareness month followed. I shared with madyson how in order to find a cure for Cancer, researchers needed money/funding. And one way they get this is by walkers/runners in marathons fundraise for them. Thats all it took. She asked if she could participate in a walk so she could "save the grandmommas" for other kids so they wouldnt have to watch their grandmother suffer, the way she has. How could I say no? We signed her up online and discussed raising $250 for breast cancer. I thought that was reasonable. Thanks to amazing friends and family, Madyson raised $500.

Today, we got up and headed to the state capital to make strides. My brother, sister-in-law, neices/nephew, mom, todd and Madyson were all registered walkers. Aubrie kate and I planned to cheer them on.

The race began and they were off. Aubrie kate and I found a spot near the finish line and entertained ourselves with the ipad and snacks.

45 minutes into the race my mom, SIL, todd and madyson returned. My mom (a breast cancer survivor) was walked out, my SIL had bronchitis and the cold air wasnt helping and todd and madyson had to help them get back.

I could tell Madyson wasn't done and to be truthful, I was frustrated Todd didnt keep going with her. ( I know hormones...) I asked her if she wanted to finish-she said she did...with me. So 5month pregnant momma took her by the hand and we cut over to the 1mile sign where they had left off and hand and hand we walked (with daddy)  the rest of the 2.2 miles. the whole time I prayed for no contractions and heart problems. I knew Madyson needed to finish this goal for grandmomma and for her own mental being. One thing about Madyson is she processes things like an adult. The weeks leading up to the walk, she kept telling me..."Im going to tell grandmomma how I am helping find a cure for Cancer so when you are a grandmomma you wont have to be sick like her."

We got to the 3 mile marker....it wasnt much longer til we were done. Once she finished, she said..."I finished the race"

Yes baby girl, you did.

We headed out for lunch at the diner and then home for a nap. We had been home a few hours when we got a text from Todds stepdad....

"You might want to make it to the house today...moms not doing good."

Todd and I left the girls with my mom and headed over. When we arrived, we were heartbroken to find she is no longer able to communicate, having a very hard time swollowing, and fading...fast.

We have hours, days, maybe a week left with Grandmomma....and all I can think is..."She has fought the good fight."

Madyson finishing the race. Pictured with My mom-cancer survivor.

The race of life is a difficult and challenging one. Sometimes, in order to finish the race we need to start over. Sometimes, we just need to keep the faith. In Hebrews, we are told "..... let us run with endurance the race that is set before us." The race God has planned for me is different than the race God has planned out for you. May you run your race with endurance and faith, always fighting the good fight.

Weekends :)

The past few weekends have been busy busy! in sept.15 weekend my friend rachel came to Jackson to do a Vault denim party at my house! It is so fun to finally meet a friend that you've "known" for so many years through blogging!
We had a great time hanging out and making booties cute :) but we both are terrible bloggers and forgot to take a picture....too much talking! :)

Then that sunday we went to church then Madyson had girl scouts. Her little troop is expanding and we are looking forward to another big cookie year :)

The week of the 17-23 was the last week of my 1st trimester! I went to the doctor and we got to see our sweet active baby!!

On Friday the 21,our dear friends the Byrds came over for dinner. They made me turnip soup (baby is obsessed with soup) & we hung out til we were too tired to move!

On saturday Madyson and Todd headed east to alabama to partake in some football and bbq! They had a great time! Aubrie Kate and I did some bonding as well! We stopped by and picked up a frosty's rootbeer from the little mom&pop shop, put the #1 hits of the 60's cd in, and headed to the flea market. We spent hours looking and shopping. She has a great eye for midcentury modern pieces. After the flea market we grabbed some Krystal's burgers and headed home. There we played, did a makeover and took a 4 hour nap :) it was glorious!!!

Sunday following we went to church and then came home and switched the closets over to fall clothes :)

Happy! Happy! Happy!

That Monday was the offical first day of the 2nd trimester!

{{I am so excited to be getting close to my "release" date. If I make it to 16 weeks without any complications then I am no longer on highrisk watch and get to relax a little!}}

The next weekend todd,aubrie kate and I went on a date to the mexican restaurant then did some window shopping for baby stuff :) Saturday we spent the day sitting with Todds mom. We were at her house for 12hours so that was our entire day. On Sunday, we went to church then my mom treated us to lunch and a movie! We saw Hotel Transylvania and it was really cute!

This past friday-we took the girls to buy new athletic shoes. This was both of theirs first pair :/ (I know...we are such "consignment shoppers" neither of my children have had new tennis shoes, until now.  Then we went out for dinner and came home to relax!


Saturday we got the nursery painted then went to the Ole Brook Festival about an hour away! We were so excited because Francesa Battistelli, Sidewalk Prophets, and Andy Cherry were performing and it was a FREE concert! So we took the girls and they loved it! (despite it being 50 degrees)

 

Today-We went to church-then Todd and the girls went to sit with his mom. I stayed home to catch up on laundry and to go to the grocery store.


WHEW! there ya go! Caught up on our weekends! Coming up...

Bob: my biological dad is coming to visit next weekend
Madyson and Todd are doing the Making Strides walk on the 27th
also on the 27th is a tailgating bbq for our community young adult club :)

 

The Christmas Stocking

I haven't posted lately about Todd's mom. Right now we are all busy processing our thoughts of what life is going to be like without her. She recently spent the week in the hospital after being dehydrated and her potassium level dropping. She came home today and her once sewing room, where she made our precious Christmas Stockings years ago,has been converted into a hospital room-equipped with a hospital bed and home nurse.

Since Madyson's first Christmas we have had the same Christmas stockings. Todd's mom made them for us years ago and each year we continue to hang them by our chimney with care.

When Aubrie Kate came along-his mom stitched up another polka dot stocking and monogrammed it for us so she would have one to match.

And each year the girls have hung their stockings in hopes that St. Nicholas would soon be there.

This year is a bittersweet year. This will be the last Christmas with our polka dot stockings. This may possible be the last Christmas with Todd's mom (if she is still alive at Christmas). My heart aches to know that next year baby #3 will start our new stocking tradition and will more than likely start our new life without our precious "grandmomma"

I know it sounds wrong to "plan her gone" but reality is, she isn't getting better...only worse. And the Christmas Stockings are so special to me.

I think the hardest part of the journey with her cancer has been seeing her go from vibrant to non-self sufficent. She can no longer care for herself and can't do the little things we take for granted.

Please remember our family in your prayers. As we process the forcasted outcome, as we explain this to the girls, as we prepare our hearts for what is to come.

My verse I lean on through this is....

Preparing for a life with new christmas stockings in pain and in love....

In the moment.

Tonight was one of those nights you read about on someone's blog but never think you will experience.

Todds dad called a family meeting. His mother (who has been fighting cancer for years and who had a stroke in March) was recently diagnosed with more tumors...bigger tumors..in places they had already radiated. She is weak, she is tired and now the doctors arent sure what the next plan is.

To sit with Todd, his parents, his aunts and granmother and to hear the news that all this fighting we\she has been doing all these years could soon be done is not only heart wrenching it is one of those moments when you absorb the emotions of your family and you all ache together.

My life has been crazy lately with work,the girls,my obligations to organizations..etc. I have been keeping on keeping on and then tonight answering that email is not top on my priority list.

In the moment you hear the news that your loved ones life span is now awaiting a miracle you stop to grasp how BIG God is.

As Believers we are taught to celebrate life and to know that God is always in control. I have seen Him work miracles in Todds mom before. When she was at a low before he pulled her out and made her cancer free. She even had a study written on her. God bought her back to us from a serious stoke. He allowed that stroke to happen and because it did, the doctors found the brain tumors.

God has an amazing plan and weather that plan is 6 more months with Todds mom or 16 more years. We are going to live in the moment.

Sometimes as humans we want to beg,plead and cry out WHY,God?!?! Why her?? Why to us? But as Christians we already know the Why. Because the Lord is in control, because He knows what is best and sometimes that best is hard to understand and sometimes it hurts, real bad. But God is good in all circumstances and when we Believe, one day we will all know the big plan.

Our little blog has always been my personal prayer journal with some DIY, reno and kiddie stories mixed in. but tonight I lift up this request.

Please God, help us live in the moment. Please let these details last in our memory. Please give us the strength to give Kathy strength. Please be with the family as we take on each day. Please help us be a light.Give me the right words to say when the girls ask questions. Guide their hearts. Be with Todd and Rusty as the two men of Kathys life take on the task of loving daily and coping with the unknown. God, you are an amazing creator and ultimate healer. May your will be done Lord. We praise You in this storm.

Psalm 37:5