#onebigtruth

When life falls apart and is spinning out of control-sometimes it is really hard to stop-and get the reins tight enough to gain that control back. That is where I am right now-pulling really hard on the reins trying to get control again.

Let's recap-since November of 2011: I have had a miscarriage-had 3 failed adoptions-gotten pregnant-had a rough pregnancy-my mother in law died-my husband fell apart-I got put on bed rest-my husband lost his job-we had a premature baby-we almost lost our marriage....yea. Pretty rough time. 

I am a very "control" person. It has taken a lot for me to step back during all this and "ride it out". I couldn't have done anything to change any of it. God orchestrated it. He has allowed us to suffer to teach us to trust in Him. 

I have been spending a lot of time in prayer. I am working on finding a balance between being in control and allowing God to be in control.

Each day-I have to wake up and make decisions. What are the girls going to wear to school-what am I going to do today-what are my goals for the day. Those decisions I am in control of. The bigger picture is all Gods. 

I have been thinking a lot lately about what I want. Is it what God wants? Will I be okay if my plans don't line up with his? 

Todd and I have never really had a "plan" in life. We have always gone about this marriage/parenting thing on a whim. Sometimes it has benefitted us. Most times it has hindered us. So part of our rebuilding our marriage is to talk and write out our plans. We did an excersise the other night "what I want" we took 3 minutes to write down what we wanted material, spiritual, professional....it didn't matter. You know what was hard....I had a time thinking about what I want. 

As a mom-you become easily focused on putting others first. I read a book by Terri hatcher a few years ago called Burnt Toast. the basis was it's okay to sometimes toss the burnt toast and make yourself a non burnt piece. 

After the excersise we shared with each other what we had written down-Todd's was very direct. I think guys have a lot of time to contemplate what they want. Mine was more here and there. I want to adopt or foster....I want to sell our house and downsize...I want to go shopping-for me. selfish? Yea..but you know.. Inever go shopping for me. I can not tell you the last time I went to the mall-without kids and stayed only in the women's department and bought clothes for myself. I have 1 pair of jeans that fit-got them 2nd hand off of eBay. I have 15 shirts that fit-12 came from my sisterinlaws closet clean out. The 5 dresses I have-4 were gifts from my mom . I am blessed to have these things but really-it's something minor that I want for myself. And I don't mean a huge shopping spree that cost hundreds of dollars-just a trip to buy maybe another pair of jeans, a few shirts,and a new pair of black pumps. Anyway...

After we shared our wants-we prayed-we asked God to help us figure out what was next for our life-we want --need--a plan.

Then last night-after the kids were in bed, We each wrote out our 5 year goals. He wrote his-i wrote mine. Then we compared. We took our lists and we developed our family goals. Stuff we really want to accomplish-like moving to the country-fostering at risk kids-helping fund a ministry-Todd wants to get a degree in social science...all things that are doable with Gods help and His guidance. So that's where we are. Taking our reins-slowing down-looking ahead-and praying for God to help us orchestrate the next steps...