#onebigtruth

When life falls apart and is spinning out of control-sometimes it is really hard to stop-and get the reins tight enough to gain that control back. That is where I am right now-pulling really hard on the reins trying to get control again.

Let's recap-since November of 2011: I have had a miscarriage-had 3 failed adoptions-gotten pregnant-had a rough pregnancy-my mother in law died-my husband fell apart-I got put on bed rest-my husband lost his job-we had a premature baby-we almost lost our marriage....yea. Pretty rough time. 

I am a very "control" person. It has taken a lot for me to step back during all this and "ride it out". I couldn't have done anything to change any of it. God orchestrated it. He has allowed us to suffer to teach us to trust in Him. 

I have been spending a lot of time in prayer. I am working on finding a balance between being in control and allowing God to be in control.

Each day-I have to wake up and make decisions. What are the girls going to wear to school-what am I going to do today-what are my goals for the day. Those decisions I am in control of. The bigger picture is all Gods. 

I have been thinking a lot lately about what I want. Is it what God wants? Will I be okay if my plans don't line up with his? 

Todd and I have never really had a "plan" in life. We have always gone about this marriage/parenting thing on a whim. Sometimes it has benefitted us. Most times it has hindered us. So part of our rebuilding our marriage is to talk and write out our plans. We did an excersise the other night "what I want" we took 3 minutes to write down what we wanted material, spiritual, professional....it didn't matter. You know what was hard....I had a time thinking about what I want. 

As a mom-you become easily focused on putting others first. I read a book by Terri hatcher a few years ago called Burnt Toast. the basis was it's okay to sometimes toss the burnt toast and make yourself a non burnt piece. 

After the excersise we shared with each other what we had written down-Todd's was very direct. I think guys have a lot of time to contemplate what they want. Mine was more here and there. I want to adopt or foster....I want to sell our house and downsize...I want to go shopping-for me. selfish? Yea..but you know.. Inever go shopping for me. I can not tell you the last time I went to the mall-without kids and stayed only in the women's department and bought clothes for myself. I have 1 pair of jeans that fit-got them 2nd hand off of eBay. I have 15 shirts that fit-12 came from my sisterinlaws closet clean out. The 5 dresses I have-4 were gifts from my mom . I am blessed to have these things but really-it's something minor that I want for myself. And I don't mean a huge shopping spree that cost hundreds of dollars-just a trip to buy maybe another pair of jeans, a few shirts,and a new pair of black pumps. Anyway...

After we shared our wants-we prayed-we asked God to help us figure out what was next for our life-we want --need--a plan.

Then last night-after the kids were in bed, We each wrote out our 5 year goals. He wrote his-i wrote mine. Then we compared. We took our lists and we developed our family goals. Stuff we really want to accomplish-like moving to the country-fostering at risk kids-helping fund a ministry-Todd wants to get a degree in social science...all things that are doable with Gods help and His guidance. So that's where we are. Taking our reins-slowing down-looking ahead-and praying for God to help us orchestrate the next steps...

Life after baby weight.

I am busy editing Madyson's baptism video so it will be up tomorrow!!

Today-I am sharing (by request) my journey of clean eating.

Over the past few years my weight has been a battle. Before the miscarriage I was 120-after the miscarriage I was 145-then I dropped down to 115 -then I got pregnant, and Todd's mom died, and I get sick, and Todd lost his job, and life fell  apart and I found myself weighing in at 165 lbs. I have never been overweight-and for some people 165lbs is a great weight. But I am 5'2 tall. I am small framed. My little heart doesn't work well and when it has to work extra hard-i have to take medicine for it. So when Amelia was born I made a commitment to myself. I would do a strict clean eating diet until I was at 120lbs. Then I would maintain my eating but live by the 80/20 rule.

So let's get started-here I am right before Amelia was born. 

I look "pregnant" to the untrained eye-but   I was all over big. My arms had doubled-my legs had doubled-my face was fuller. My blood work was off-my energy level was shot.

I pintersted "clean eating" and here is where I began.

This was my first shopping list-minus tuna,salmon, and cottage cheese ((I can't do those my tummy doesn't handle it well))

I stocked my grocery cart (buggy) with kale, spinach, dark leaf lettuce, tons of avacados, celery, carrots....picture walking through the produce department and loading up on almost everything.

Produce goes way beyond salads-that was my first lesson I had to learn the hard way. After spending a week eating salads for breakfast, lunch, and dinner I took it back to Pinterest to figure out what to do with all this clean food i just purchased-I liked a bunch of pins (and I have now put them on a board for you and learned how to cook with all this.) 

{{I know what you are thinking-my kids would not eat that}}

Well-mine do-at times and at times they look at me like I am crazy. So if you come to my pantry you will find easy Mac, jambalaya mix, princess soup, and a few other "kid staples" that they are allowed. 

 The first month it was hard. I adore Oreos and cheesecake and ice cream and kit Kats and all that. But I knew that I also adore my 3 girls and my husband and if I want to be healthy for them-I had to do this for myself. 

After 2 Weeks I had a waist line again. But the rest of me still needed to deflat.

I kept it up-and once I got to 130 lbs -I began to allow myself to indulge 20% of the time-while staying focused 80%.

At 6 months post delivery-I was at my goal weight of 120lbs. 

I went from wearing large/xL clothes to a size 2. The only exercising I have done in 6 months is strolling with my girls around the neighborhood-and nursing. Now we all know how many calories nursing burns-so by clean eating I had to make sure I was taking in my daily amount PLUS enough to maintain a milk supply for miss Amelia. I am proud to announce that she is in the 99% for weight-so this did not effect her in anyway. 

What do I eat? 

Check out my Pinterest board for some ideas but a normal day would include:

Breakfast: oatmeal with fruit and honey

Avacado (sliced) with a boiled egg (sliced)

Snack: peanut butter and banana wrapped in a wheat flat out wrap.

Lunch:2 quesadillas (8 triangles) with black beans, shredded chicken, low fat cheese, 1/2 avacado and spinach.

Snack: fruit bowl or carrot/pepper/celery and Greek yogurt ranch dip

Dinner: grilled/baked chicken or turkey breast-sweet potato, broccoli, wild rice

Dessert: dark chocolate 

Snack: smoothie or low fat cheese & crackers or some sort of fruit.

On my indulging days I would eat a cheeseburger-French fries-Oreos-cheesecake....

Now that I am allowing myself treats I will have one of the mentioned above each day-i just make sure I get my veggies in!! 

 

*****i am by no means a doctor and before beginning any diet or life style change always consult your doctor.*****

Rainbows.

I'm a bit of an emotional wreck right now. I believe a new school year-Aubrie Kate starting school-Mia Margaret entering her  5 month-all has my mommy emotions swirling.

But atlas-it rained today. I love a good summer rain. In Mississippi-that is key for dirty hair & pony tail day-because any southern belle will tell you that if you wash your hair on a hot day-then a summer rain comes-your hair will double in size-frizz up-and then you will get a lot of bless your heart looks. After a summer rain-or spring tornado-or fall shower...you  can usually find a rainbow. Yesterday and today were rainbow days.

I love rainbows. There is something so amazing about an arch of colors cascading through the sky. Recently (thanks to social media) I have discovered my "friends" have a love for rainbows as well. 

I love scrolling through my news feeds and seeing how friends-all over-have stopped and captured the majestic rainbow in all it's ROY G. BIV goodness.

The story of the Rainbow in the Bible is quite simple and you can look up the scriptures in (Gen. 6:1 through 9:17). During the time of a righteous man named Noah, the world was just like our own time; taken over by a great deal of sin, but Noah was an honorable man. He listened to God and cherished a close relationship with Him, so God called  Noah to build an ark, so that he, his family, and a pair of each creature would be saved from the destructive flood that he was going to pour over the entire earth in order to rid it of its wickedness. After 40 days and 40 nights of falling rain, God told Noah to come out of the Ark, and that is when Noah saw the colors that God had placed in the sky, saying that it was His Eternal Symbol of Promise that He would never send another catastrophic flood to the earth to kill all off mankind. This was and is His covenant with all of us. The promise; this rainbow; and this "true" meaning of it, supplies us with promise and hope. 

I have had a lot of storms in my life. For the past four years I have shared them with you. Job losses, sick kids, bad mistakes, hate, anger, pain from the loss of my mother-in-law and the loss of our precious babe. I have endured pain that-without faith-would have seemed unbearable. But at the end of each storm-there has always been a rainbow. Some of them not as vivid as others-but always a rainbow. 

I was scrolling through Instagram the other day and learned the term "rainbow baby". By definition it means a child born after a miscarriage or loss. A rainbow baby. I have one of those. Mia Margaret came after a hellacious storm. The loss and pain of a miscarriage-the hurt of being told "the birth mother has decided to keep the child-the birth mother decided to go with another family..."-the agonizing- excruciating pain of watching my mother-in-law suffer and die. And my children and husband grieve. My God that storm was insane. But at the end-when the winds quit and the waves settled-there was our rainbow.

Friend-whatever storm you face today-marriage, family, addiction, pain, unanswered prayers-know that your storm will end-focus on your rainbow-as soon as the clouds part it will be there.

Exciting News!

My husband is great! Like...really great. He knows how much I **need** to see this baby, alot. After a miscarriage you are just so much more at ease when you can see the baby!

So he scheduled an appointment at a sonogram boutique about an hour from where we live!

And while we were there we found out that baby #3 is ........

Another GIRL!!!!

We are so excited! I had the feeling about a week ago that she was a she and sure enough....I was right!

Todd is thrilled also. He loves his girls so this is just another cupcake to love on!

Her Name is....

Amelia Margaret

and we can't WAIT to meet her in March!!

The Highlight Reel

Today is my due date. The date that I have been dreading for 7 months now. This morning I woke up to an email from a private adoption friend saying the June baby we were *praying* for-has been born prematuraly and that the mom isn't looking into adoption anymore. Another let down in this rollercoaster of adoption pain.

I know that God has a plan for our family and for each of his children. My heart aches as we move on with the persuit of another child. Our #3 will be here one day. Today-just isn't it.

With that said, Yesterday on Twitter, Kelly tweeted about how she feels like every mother is at home sewing, baking, in their perfectly clean houses. And I thought to myself-thanks to social media (blogs-pinterest) we are all basing thoughts on the highlight reels of others.

Tuesday-we took the kids on a daytrip, Tuesday Night we did laundry. Wednesday we worked on closets and stuff all day (getting ready for Disney) so our house was neglected. When kelly posted her tweet, I snapped a photo of our laundry room (right then) and sent it to her. I wanted her to see the unperfect lifestyle that we were having so she would see that no-not every house is perfect or clean all the time.

As mothers-we put so much pressure on ourselves to make sure we do all the motherly duties plus wifely duties-plus extra duties. That we build up this idea of perfect life in our mind and when we don't meet it we allow ourselves to get down. When in fact-everyone has a laundry room that looks like this at somepoint in life.

This week is a hard week for me. I knew the due date would put a big damper in my mood. It is so hard to think I could be having a baby right now-and be joyful that I am lying on my couch with my 2 girls. I have a room full of baby clothes and a crib that is ready for a baby that is lying in a hospital in the NICU with a young mother that wasn't sure 6 months ago if she even wanted to be a mother and now-has a huge responsibility on her hands.

I have to take these "messy" issues and expose them for the simple fact-someone out in our world is going through this same thing-and I don't want you to see my highlight reel-I want you to see the real me.

Today-I am choosing to be happy and thankful. Ever so often, my heart begins to sink and my mind wonders off on the what could be. Then I pull it back to reality and say Thank You God for these blessings you have given me.

Tomorrow-I will be back with details on our day trip tuesday and some other things we have done this summer. 8 more days til Disney-

getting close to the due date...

today's post is a little "calm". There wont be alot of ! in here but to track the healing process of the miscarriage.

According to my lovely babcenter.com updates I would be nearing my 33rd week of pregnancy. I can tell its getting close because the bundle of facebook friends that announced their pregnancy the same time I was having the miscarriage are beginning to have contractions, get uncomfortable, and deliver.

Over the last few weeks, I will be laying down and experience what feels like a kick. I researched and found they are called "Phantom kicks" were your mind/body experience traits like you were still pregnant.

I figured by now I would be 100% but at least once a week I get extremely depressed, curl up and cry. Mainly for whats not going to happen. In a few weeks I am not going to go in for a C-Section, I am not going to be bringing home my #3 the way, 33 weeks ago, I thought I would.

When I get upset, I am reminded of the day I sat in church, sobbing, feeling God calling us to adopt. It is the only thought that has allowed me comfort in this. That day was profound day. It was God, speaking to me. To love a child that didn't grow inside of me. But was created for me. After 2 years of a crazy adoption ride there is a chance we are getting close to bringing our #3 home.

I have learned that even though you feel like things are going great and are own track, sometimes God takes over the wheel and you take a detour route. To you, that detour route doesn't seem like the best route. But God, he knows best.

Some of the things I have seen take place over the months since the miscarriage is the following:
1) Todd's mom had a stroke when I would have been about 24 weeks. That is the same time I went into preterm labor with Madyson. The stress that caused on our family would not have been good for a high-risk pregnancy.

2)When Todd left his former job for his current job we lost our insurance for 60 days. Yes we could have paid for Cobra for me but the cost of that would have been 2x our mortgage. For a high-risk pregnancy 60 days without insurance is a lot.

I say all this to conclude to this. God has plans for us. I know that he will allow us to bend but never break.

He works miracles and who knows...in a few weeks, we could still be bringing our #3 home.

Thanks for continuing the journey with me.

in the midst of the crazy world...there is still alittle pain.

I try really hard to be strong. (but if you are my friend on facebook you know that word just makes you feel better when you #fail) REALLY hard. but sometimes (like today) I suffer from Covet 2.0

God has a plan for me. He has his timing and I need to set my impatient booty down and let him run the show.

Since the "miscarriage" (still hate that word) I have had 15 (literally) friends announce their pregnancies or adoptions. I have to keep repeating to myself...Its not my time. Its not my time. God knows my time and its a perfect time. 

But in all rawness and reality. It hurts. Staying strong, staying positive is what I have to do to stay sane. Because I am blessed, I am very blessed. I have two amazingly beautiful daughters and an awesome husband who is stepping up like no ones business to make sure I heal physically and emotionally. 

I am blessed. and I praise God for those blessings.

after the doctors appointment

I promise not to do a weekly blog about having a miscarriage, but in case someone wants to know...Here ya go.

My appointment Tuesday went like this:

Blood pressure and weight. 2 weeks ago my BP was 140/92 today it was 118/78. I weighted 122.4 2 weeks ago, today I weighed 125.3...so I am an emotional eater....that's okay.

At our Dr.'s office you have to fill out this pink sheet everytime you go. It ask questions like allergies, medical conditions, # of pregnancies, # to term, # premature, # of miscarriages. It took all I had to fill this out and not cry. My goal today was to hold it together.

Next I had another ultrasound (yes, the embarrassing kind) All was going "on course" except my lining was still a little thick.

The doctor saw me next, and hugged me and really wanted to have a moment. But when I get upset I shut emotions off...so we just got down to business and she helped the lining begin to breakdown more. (if you want details, email me...)

Then she wrote me a prescription for pain meds and antibiotics. And gave the directions to "not try to get pregnant until 2 full cycles"

She told me to take it easy, and come back in January.

So that was the extent of my visit. Not to painful. And I only broke down once I was back in the safety of my own car and listening to KLove. When Natalie Grant came on....

"All the weak find their strength at the sound of Your Great Name".

Yes, yes we do.

Giving Thanks in All Circumstances

The past few weeks have been a huge whirlwind of emotions. If you follow me on Twitter you know I have been back and forth to the doctor with good news/bad news.

Well, it started out like this.

To say we were super excited is a huge understatement. We did not believe we were going to be able to have biological children again after the bad pregnancies/deliveries of Madyson and Aubrie Kate.
3 years of no sign of conception, then a huge surprise.

We went to the doctor and had an ultrasound and saw a precious 5week3 day baby sac. I did blood work, and all was wonderful! I had to go back in 48 hours for more test.

48 hours later, more blood work was done and this time, the news wasn't as happy. The numbers went up, but didn't double. I don't know what all that means but I knew it wasn't good.

I began to loose it and called on all my Christian women friends to pray for me. My heart rate wouldn't settle and I was having a very hard time. My precious doctor wanted me to come back the Tuesday of Thanksgiving week. I prayed and prayed. She had told me if there wasn't a heartbeat we would do a DNC. I can not begin to discuss with you my thoughts on medical intervention on life and death. My emotions are to raw right now. But after much prayer, I called and asked if I could have an extra week.

Throughout the time frame, I prayed to the Lord that if this wasn't going to develop into a healthy pregnancy for Him to have it end naturally.

The days went on and my pregnancy symptoms grew. Morning sickness, cravings, tiredness.....all I thought were great signs. Until yesterday.

Yesterday, I started to miscarry. A word that I can not stand to say. I spent the majority of the day asleep on the couch, to keep myself from loosing it. Then last night as I was watching Christmas Movies, the pampers commercial with babies and silent night came on and that was it.

I sprawled out in the bathroom and just lost it. I am not angry, and I have no right to ask why. I praise God for answering my prayer of it happening naturally. I long for a baby, and I know he has his plans for our precious #3. But right now, my emotions are crazy, probably do to the amount of hormones in my system....tomorrow I go to the doctor to confirm that "nature took its course".

To my sweet prayer warriors that have prayed for us through this, thank you so much. You have no clue how much they helped. My nerves were calm for a whole week and I know its from the comfort I felt through prayer.