Grief.

It's been almost 8 months since Todd's mom passed away. The longest, most painful months in my life.

Back in October, Halloween to be exact I sat and watched her go to be with Jesus. I knew it was going to be hard for  Madyson and on Aubrie Kate and on Todd because they were all really close. 

Kathy and I were close but I had accepted months ago this was going to happen so I had begun the grief process before she was actually gone. 

In Nov was Todd's birthday and thanksgiving-we made it through. In December Christmas and her birthday..again we survived. In January we declared 2013 had to be better...in February things weren't...in march we welcomed Amelia and celebrated aubries bday..2 things that Todd wanted his mom here for..in April, life got harder. In may...mothers day. Which was awful.

Y'all, it is hard to be the spouse of someone who is grieving so hard. And to be the mother of two big kids who daily "miss their grand momma" and to be the momma of a baby who requires a lot. Thankfully we have a great life group and the guys have been there for Todd but he still hurts so much. It's a constant battle at night for him to be able to relax and to sleep. He still calls her voicemail just to listen to her voice. And I sit and pray. Because on those bad days-there isn't anything else I can do.

Madyson and aubrie have done children's counseling but still ache to spend the night with grand momma and make cookies and play in their card table forts. 

And well...I can't fix any of their pain and its hard. 

Christ promises us he is always there for us. He is our greatest comfort and for the past 8 months he has been mine. It's a very isolating feeling when you are going on with life with the attitude of she is no longer suffering but is with Him and what an awesome thing that is. And the rest of the family is just sad...a lot. 

 

I am sharing this rawness of life to document the struggle we face daily. I know in His time I will look back and see the many ways God has worked and how it is better. I have seen His work play out with job issues, the 4 year wait for a baby, and the evolution of my relationship with him.  I know He uses situations like this to call us closer to Him and to allow Him to orchestrate His great plan. 

One day we will see that plan and we will understand the whys of things-until that day-I will continue to pray.